My RHS Diploma practical results are due any day and I must be subconsciously more jittery about it than I’m prepared to admit. Last night I dreamt I’d got the results through and though I’d scraped a pass, I got 0/100 on one of the papers – not one I remembered sitting. One question was four pages long, another was on Bulgarian chaffinches and another on a Batman romper suit – did it or did it not protect against radiation? In my dreamstate I was torn between wishing I’d applied myself more to the bird ident and arguing with the examiner about the length of questions.

Can I just have the real results please? I’d quite like to get back to my normal I-promised-to-be-somewhere-missing-the-train-suitcase-with-ticket-in-is-in-a-hotel-bathroom-on-Jupiter-have-to-find-an-astronaut-he’s-having-dinner-in-restaurant-in-a-coal-mine-won’t leave-without-blue-fish-from-tank-but-tank-is-marine-aquarium-can’t-find-any-salt-train-left-10mins-ago-impossible-situation-may-as-well-wake-up dreams that I’m used to. OK, sometimes my dreams are much more fun than that, but I’m not describing them any time soon.